Do You Rule Your Children Or Do Your Children Rule You?

Aaron Beard

                        What a sad scene!  A mother or father is out shopping in a store and their children begin acting up, tearing clothes off the racks, pulling items off the shelves, running from the parents, and harassing others around them. The activities of the child, while horrific in themselves, are not exactly what grabs and holds your attention in this instance.  What you find to be so appalling is the response that comes from the parents to their actions.  Some parents (while obviously aggravated by their behavior) simply do nothing, some parents look the other way, and some parents go so far as to laugh at their children!  While the child’s actions may be inexcusable, the parents are responsible for their indifference.  The problem in this situation is that the children are ruling the parents instead of the parents ruling their children.  While circumstances like this one are common in the world, the horrendous truth is that the underlying problem infects the homes of some Christians!

One might suppose that the basic principles the Lord established the parent-child relationship on is an “understood truth;” however, by the way some parents and children conduct themselves, it becomes apparent that this is not necessarily quite “understood.” Leviticus 19:13 sets forth the relationship by saying, “Fear every man his mother and his father.”  Some children seem to think that the home is a democracy where they can vote on how they think things should be.  Other children seem to picture the parent-child relationship as a stage for debate whenever they do not get their way.  This is NOT the way God sees the home!  Paul made this clear by saying, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother… And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph 6:1-4).  It is not the children who should be ruling the parents, but rather the parents exercising rule over their children. 

Some parents allow their children to rule them when they refrain from using physical correction in disciplining their children.  As in the illustration mentioned earlier, because the parents refused to discipline their child, that child was ruling the parents through his behavior.  God instructs parents to use physical discipline with their children.  Proverbs 23:13 says, Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell.”  Society would read this verse and shout, “ABUSE!” Parenting books written by non-Christians say that if you use physical discipline with your child you will hurt his feelings, crush his pride, and scar him for life.  While going to extremes in the use of the rod is most definitely abuse and wrong, the absence of any physical discipline is also wrong.  When I was receiving physical discipline as a child it HURT!  Not only did it cause physical pain, but it also hurt my pride and my feelings.  We must not allow our children to rule us by failing to administer physical discipline because we are scared of hurting their pride and feelings since pride is specifically condemned by God (Mark 7:21-23) and their feelings need hurt since they have done wrong.  Solomon also said, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly” (Prov. 13:24). The real scarring for life comes when a parent refuses to administer physical discipline and the child rebels and spends life for eternity in Hell!

Parents also allow their children to rule them when they permit their children’s acquirement of friends, material things, and popularity to supercede God’s instructions.  Popularity and material gain is not worth losing the souls of your children!  David found this out with Absalom.  2 Samuel 14:25-26 says of him, “Now in all Israel there was no one who was praised as much as Absalom for his good looks. From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him.” Absalom had it all! Good looks, lots of money, and all the popularity one could imagine!  Not too long after this we read of Absalom murdering his half-brother Ammon, rebelling against his own father David, and then dying a tragic death.  There are parents who are so scared that their children will be friendless and unpopular in school that they allow their children to go to the prom and other dances, become cheerleaders, and take part in parties where they know ungodly activities will be taking place.  These parents may attempt to claim ignorance on these things, but they too were once young people and they know exactly what takes place!  Solomon wrote, “Better a poor and wise youth than an old and foolish king who will be admonished no more” (Ecc. 4:13).  By allowing their children’s popularity, friends, and material gain to come before God’s instructions, a parent is not only not putting their children’s spiritual needs first, they are committing spiritual murder!

Some parents even allow their children to rule them through their own pride.  School teachers have voiced their concern for years about how when a child is caught doing something wrong their parents rushes to their “rescue” to bail them out of trouble.  The parents are unwilling to admit that their children would make such a mistake, especially when pointed out by other people.  Parents who do this are leading their children to destruction and bringing shame upon themselves.  Proverbs 29:15 and 17 says, “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother... Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul.” Sadly enough, there are parents who are Christians who refuse to see that their children can make mistakes and step up and handle them.  When other Christians point out their children’s error they begin to make excuses for their children or even point the finger back at the one who is pointing out the error!  Parents who are truly trying to raise their children in the ways of the Lord will be THANKFUL when others point out their children’s errors so they can correct it.  They must remember that whenever others come to them about their children they do so in love for that child’s soul (James 5:20).  The problem is that it hurts their pride as a parent and they do not wish to embarrass their children!  There is no place for a parent to allow their own pride to hinder them from raising godly children!  When a parent does so, they are allowing their children to rule them!

The driving force behind it all is that parents who allow their children to rule them simply lack the backbone to stand up to their children.  It takes a great amount of courage to be a parent.  It takes courage for a parent to look at their daughter and refuse to allow her to become a cheerleader or take part in the prom.  It takes courage for a parent to set their foot down and forbid their son to miss church services because of a sporting event or other school functions.  It takes courage for parents to discipline their children when they have done wrong.  It takes humility and courage for a parent to listen to another who brings sheds light on a mistake their child has made.  We should always be thankful to God for those parents who display great faith and courage in bringing up their children in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord!